Wednesday, September 5, 2007

My Friend

A Flashback
Only one hour was left. One hour between me and freedom. And the English paper was a piece of cake. The half-yearlies of class three was finally getting over. But, I was not happy. Something was bugging me. The kid sitting next to me( I think his name was Gnana Ranjan) had copied each and every word I had written in my answer paper. I could have easily covered up my paper if I wanted to, and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that he could have done about it. And I wanted to as well. But then, I just couldn't. Covering up your paper and not showing it to others would earn you a reputation of being a stingy bastard. Not that I was not one. But, being one, I just didn't want to be known as one. Thats a weakness in all the guys with weaknesses. If you call an intelligent chap a fool, he wouldn't mind it. But, try calling a fool one. If you tell a beautiful girl that she is worse looking than a modern art masterpiece, she would think that you are just bitter. But, just call an ugly one, "plain" and feel bad yourself for the whole day. Similarly, I did not want to be called a selfish, stingy bastard(IITians can read RGier). But, being the RGier that I am, I decided to do something about Mr. Xerox Copier.
Suddenly, I got a brilliant idea. The only questions left were the two essays- My Aim in Life and My Best Friend. I remembered both of them word by word( Thanks, to my mom). My aim in life was being a doctor and Ravi was my best friend( Only Ravi I know personally is a barber). Being a smart kid that I was, I started writing my own lines( instead of the ones I mugged up). I described how I would get a chance to kill people by being a doctor and how Ravi flunked every exam he wrote.(For ignorant fools, Ravis, Mohans and Shyams of My best friend essays are always supposed to come first in class) After writing a lot of bullshit I blew air out of my mouth creating a "whoosh" sound. That is the universal sign language of finishing a difficult task.
Mr.Modi Xerox fell right into the trap. He thought I finished the paper. So, without thinking much( his trademark style), he gave away his paper and went out of the class.
Immediately, I sprung into action. There was not much time to lose. I started correcting the the essays. But, my luck was "really rotten"(Any RGier's team in laffalympics- Ignorant fools can start watching Cartoon Network). I could only finish one essay in time. Ravi was still flunking when the invigilator pulled away the paper from me.
Now, a serious piece of advice- When you copy something, make sure you copy from the right guy. If you copy wrong answers, not only do you get wrong, but, you get caught as well. My teacher was not as dumb witted as I hoped she would be( Thats a rare breed among primary school teachers). Not only was I blasted by the teacher for assisting in copying,( That sadist bitch actually read out my essay in the class) I got branded as a stingy bastard by friends who came to know about my first essay. Mr. Photocopier was as cool as ice throughout the day. ( Being dumb has its advantages)
After so many years, I am in my third year at college now. Lately, a very good friend of mine has been pestering me for an orkut testimonial. But, as a tribute to SDKjunior of class three, I will write an essay with "My Best Friend" guidelines(which can be summarized in one line)

"My Best Friend-"Some-John-Smith-level-extremely-common-name" is GOD"

"He is a god."
"No you idiot, he must be a supermodel."
I think, he is...."Shrivastav(pause).Apurv Shrivastav", a mellifluous voice interrupted the discussion among a group of awe-struck sophomores. That was the day Indian Institute of Technology Madras was blessed with the arrival of Apurv.
What can I say about him?( This is the line that is common to 77% of the testimonials in orkut.Other 23% are some copy-pasted smiley-level bullshit,if you know what I mean) If you think Brad Pitt is handsome, Einstein was intelligent, Ronaldinho can dribble, Brian Adams sings well, Casanova was a ladies man, Al Pacino can act, Churchill knew oration, Shakesphere could
write, Micheal Jackson can dance and lots of other people can do lots of other things they are supposedly good at, then think again. If you still think so, then pay a visit to room number 144, IIT Maddus, and think again. Now, after this experience, if you continue to think so, then I have only one advice to you. Come out of the room, move right, walk straight for 5 metres, turn right, go to the water dispenser kept nearby, fill the steel glass kept over the dispenser with cold water and then try to drown yourself in the glass.
A.H.Shrivastava- Apurv Handsome Shrivastava: The interrupted conversation described above must have given you a clue about the dazzling look this gentleman posesses. In fact, he was the first choice for the LUX ad. But then, our man put his foot down because the ad involved too much exposure.(Its not as if he is against exposing or something, but, he will do it only if script demands it.)

A.F.Shrivastava- Apurv Footer SHrivatsava: There was this next Ronaldinho contest in which one has to send a video of him playing football(CIA agents looking to collect info on this amazing genius can read SOCCER). The most skill full one gets to train at Nou Camp(Thats Barcelona- for football knowledge impaired). We secretly made a video of Apurv Patriot Shrivastava( who wouldn't let us give his video as he wanted to stay and serve and die in India only) and sent it.
Frank Riijkard, changed his mind, after having decided to sign him as his striker,(He had almost agreed to sell Etoo and Henry to Madrid for free-they were not required anymore, you see) only when he realised that his wife(who also saw the video) was shouting "Ohhh Apurvvvv... Ohhh come on" while bedding him. That is the effect Apurv Handsome Shrivastava has on middle-aged women.
That made him change his mind and training offer went to Chingura Mankamunga of Thailand( And I thought Europeans were professional)

A.M.Shrivastava- Apurv Musical Shrivastava:
Music can make you laugh.
Music can make you cry.
Music can bring down rain.
Music can drain the ocean dry( Wow I wrote a poem!! Must be the company of Apurv Wordsworth Shrivastava)
I used to think that these sort of lines spoken out with a regal tone by sixty year olds (wearing clothes so ludicrously lashy that even any three year old in his right mind won't wear them) were bullshit, until I heard our man singing. He was also drumming, playing guitars and keyboard at the same time.Trust me, he can even make you go to loo with the power of music. All he has to do is to go to loo himself and start singing, All loos next to the one he is in get filled up immediately. No wonder they made him LM coord.

A.G.Shrivastava-Apurv Genious Shrivastava:
Apurv is currently busy in many top secret projects which pertain to national defense. In fact, divulging any information about them may result in Apurv Patriot Shrivastava being forced to kill me. But, let me make at least one earth-shattering revelation. All the projects( the good ones) that have been completed, be it student's or a professor's in IITM in last two years are done by our man. In fact, he made a bulb all by himself as soon as he was born. He made a line follower and a micromouse when he was two and three months old respectively. It was obvious from that day itself that he would one day be a Robotics coord(which he is)

A.C.Shrivastava-Apurv Casanova Shrivastava:
Apurv and ladies are two words which go together. They are just like "Larsen and Toubro" or "Adolf and Hitler". The moment you think of one, the other one just comes spontaneously to your mind. In fact, the only ladies who don't flock around Apurv are the ones who are extremely low on self confidence, suffer from severe inferiority complex and just can't handle the competition.
If any of you want to watch hot girls go crazy, just be near Apurv. Ladies do everything they can, just to get a passing glance from him. In fact, sights like ladies sorrounding him and belly dancing while he is going to class in the morning is not at all uncommon in IITM. Just, be careful of the guys around him as there is a high probability that they make passes at you after being exasperated at Apurv's lack of attention. He is also a major reason behind a marked increase of homosexuals in the IIT campus.
I consider myself very lucky to get a room next to this chap. It wouldn't have been possible, had my dad not discovered a pot full of gold.(most of which is spent bribing the officials so as to get the room next door to him)In fact, all the residents of the Narmada Hostel have spent a lot of dough just to be his hostelmates. Now, they are thinking of having reservations for rooms in the hostel as well.
Anyways, this is Apurv Shrivastava or Orchestra, my room neighbour and "MY BEST FRIEND"


aneesh said...

This is all I have to say after the First Read

Very Well-Written!

Will Have to Read it again!

Man, you are good at writing.

:x :x

ORKestra said...

Wow.. A full post dedicated to me!!!
Will read it again and again innumerable times (for obvious reasons)...
U 've started writing recently and u rock already yaar!!!!!
great going!!!

thanks man!!!

SDK said...

@Aneesh and Ork
Thanks for all your complements.

mrugen(CC) said...

Thou hast impressed his highness with thy devious use of language !!!
I now proclaim you Sir SDK , in the order of the Narmad empire...

Kshitij said...

SDK .... GOD level stuff!

jimmy said...

u've been tagged! look up for the rules of the game from my blog.

AKILA said...

I can only nod in agreement .. excellent use of u dont knw me, but ork gave me the link 2 this blog..

Sirisha Kurada said...

Heights of vanity Ork!!!! But stilll......

(That was for A.C.Shrivatsava ;))

The Ink in My Veins... said...

Ruddy Brilliant post! You may still want to ask yourself why exactly do dyou drool over your beft frnd? :D